


Diana’s Lament

by gingersnapper



Series: Our Anthem Universe [6]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: District Four, F/M, Moon, beach, growing back together, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26363971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingersnapper/pseuds/gingersnapper
Summary: Set immediately after Chapter 27 of my story,  ‘Our Anthem’, Katniss’s recovery from the war isn’t exactly very smooth and Peeta is having a very difficult time coping with it. Katniss proves to be stubborn (a mirror image of Haymitch) and Peeta proves to be equally as stubborn.Set in the universe of ‘Our Anthem’ in which Katniss is a refugee from Hebridia (formerly Scotland) and the war ended three years after the Quarter Quell.
Relationships: Haymitch Abernathy/Effie Trinket, Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Series: Our Anthem Universe [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1848961
Kudos: 5





	Diana’s Lament

**Author's Note:**

> ‘Empty Boxes’ — the Everly Brothers

_ A beggarly account of empty boxes. _

_ That is all I own in this world, _

_ Oh Diana, sweet Diana... _

* * *

**PEETA POV**

* * *

It wasn’t easy recovering from the war. I’d like to say that the night Katniss and I finally made love for the first time after the war ended was the end of all of our pain and our misery and our suffering, but it wasn’t. I wish that I could say that that had been the end of Katniss’s apparently psychological fear of me -  _ losing _ me, according to everyone else - but it wasn’t. We had fallen asleep still connected at the hips, myself still inside of her, and I woke up to movement on the bed. I opened my eyes to find myself on my back and I lifted my head to see Katniss at the edge of the bed bending down to pull her underwear back up. “Katniss,” I whispered, and she startled, then glanced at me bathed in moonlight. “Katniss, honey, what are you doing? It’s still dark out. Come here.”

“I need to go for a walk, clear my head some,” she replied, turning away from me. She bent over her bag on the floor and pulled out what I believed was her mother’s Hebridean dress - a source of comfort for her.

“Okay, let me put some clothes on and I’ll join you,” I said, moving to get up, but she stopped me.

“No,” she said sharply. “I... I need to be alone, Peeta...”

“Dr. Aurelius said it isn’t wise for you to go out alone,” I warned her, reminding her of what the doctor had carefully instructed.

_ “Don’t let her out of your sight. I fear that her mental state may be quite fragile and she may make... rash decisions,” _ the doctor has told me over the phone when I asked for permission to bring her to Four.

_ “What kind of rash decisions?”  _ I’d asked the man, but I already knew his answer. I could feel it bubbling in my gut.

_ “She may try to... escape... from all of her problems. In a way that she can’t come back from. Just keep an eye on her, Peeta. Your wife is not well,” _ Dr. Aurelius had explained.

“I’ll be fine. I’ve gone around enough with Cailean to know where I’m going,” Katniss told me. She thought the doctor just didn’t want her to get lost. She didn’t know that he’d basically put her on suicide watch. Personally, I thought that that was a little excessive, but I didn’t want to doubt the doctor’s orders.

“Katniss, let me come with you. I’ll just be a minute.”

“No.”

“Katniss-”

“I want to be  _ alone _ .”

“Well, I can’t let you be alone otherwise we’re breaking Dr. Aurelius’s orders.”

“I don’t care about any ‘orders’. The war is over. I don’t follow orders anymore.”

“This is more of a legality thing, as in, you were given special permission to come here and if you run off, your freedom could be revoked.”

“Are you threatening me?” Her guard was up, and I was allowing myself to get frustrated. She certainly had a way of pushing my buttons when she really wanted me to. I let out a sigh.

“No, Katniss, I’m not threatening you, but I’m telling you what’s already been decided. If you break his orders, he has the power to put you back in a hospital. You don’t want that, do you?” She shook her head. “Then just give me a minute because I’m coming with you whether you like it or not.” I was trying so hard not to get frustrated with her but she was being incredibly stubborn. I barely had time to reattach my prosthetic, pull on a pair of pants and pull a button-up shirt on over my shoulders before she was already out the door. “Katniss!” I hissed, zipping up my pants and running after her barefoot. She made her way up to the boardwalk, which bordered the front yard, and stalked down it. “Katniss!” She ignored me. I tried to run after her, but it was still very difficult to keep up with on one fake leg and one real one. I watched as she climbed down onto the sand and then sat there in silence, not saying a word as I joined her and sat down beside her a couple of feet away. “Katniss, I asked you to wait for me.”

“You said to wait for you to put clothes on. I did,” she replied somewhat coldly.

“I’m not wearing shoes!” I spat back. “Katniss, what happened? A few hours ago, we were making love and everything seemed perfect but now, you can’t seem to get far enough away from me and you’re angry with me. What happened?” She let out a sigh, then started running her fingers through the sand.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I woke up and I just... panicked. I wanted to be alone but you wouldn’t let me and I freaked out even more...”

“Dr. Aurelius thinks that if you’re left alone, you might... do something...”

“Do what?” I paused for a moment, trying to think of how best to word it.

“Hurt yourself... or worse...”

“Peeta, I’d  _ never _ do that!”

“How can you be sure?” I snapped back, turning to look at her. “A few months ago, you were saying that you’d always love me and nothing could ever come between us and now something  _ has _ !”

“And it’s  _ me _ !  _ I’m _ the only thing that’s come between us!” she shouted back at me. “Why won’t you get some common sense? I’m a broken mess, who doesn’t want children and wakes you up screaming in the middle of the night! Is that really what you want in a wife?”

“If it means that my wife is you, then yes! Stop claiming to know what I want and what’s best for me, Katniss. I want  _ you _ , and only you! And you did want our baby, the one that we...”

“The one that I lost.”

“The one that  _ we _ lost.”

“No, you weren’t the one carrying it. If you had been, you wouldn’t have lost it.” Was she going insane?

“I was in pretty bad shape, too, Katniss. I had to have skin grafts on about 70% of my body and I lost half my leg. I don’t think I’d still have a baby inside of me, even if I physically could, after that.” She let out a sigh and fell silent, and I took the opportunity to crawl in front of her and pull her into my arms. “Katniss, listen to me. I love you unconditionally and I have since we were eight years old. There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. I don’t care if you wake me up from nightmares for the rest of our lives and I don’t care if you never want children. I’m still going to love you no matter what. I thought you knew that I loved you. When have I ever given you any reason to believe that I didn’t?”

“Never,” she whispered into my shoulder with honesty, her left cheek resting against my left shoulder and her head turned facing away from me. “Someday, it’s going to bother you that I don’t want children.”

“Maybe, but it’ll never bother me enough to stop loving you,” I whispered into her hair, pressing a kiss to her head. “Is it me? Did I do something to make you feel this way? Do you not love me anymore?”

“Peeta, stop. You have nothing to do with this,” she said, but I needed to hear her answers.

“Answer me, Katniss.” She let out a sigh.

“No, it’s not you. You didn’t do anything, and I still love you more than anything. Too much, maybe... and I think that’s what’s scaring me.”

“You’re not going to lose me. I’m not going anywhere. Nothing you could say or do is going to make me leave you. We’re safe now.”

“But what if we aren’t? What if something happens?” She pulled back to look at me and I could see the fear swimming in her eyes. “What if we get attacked again? What if this is all a ruse and the war isn’t really over? What if all this is just a dream and the Games are still happening? What if we have a child and he or she gets reaped? What if... what if Snow escapes, or someone worse comes along and they take you away from me? I can’t do that again, Peeta. I can’t lose you again. Coin already took you away from me for two years. I can’t... I can’t go through that again.” There were tears streaming down her face and I wiped them away with my thumb.

“Oh, honey...” I said calmly, looking directly into her eyes. “I promise you that this isn’t a dream. We’re really here and we’re really together. We’re really married and we’ve made love countless times.” Her lips twitched a little and I could tell she was fighting a smile. “Snow isn’t going to escape and no one is going to take his place. No one’s going to take me away from you. Coin can’t because she’s dead... thank god for that. We may get attacked again by any loyalists that remain, but we’re protected. I’ll protect you same as you’ll protect me. It’s what we do. The Games are over and we’re safe. So is every child in Panem, including any children that we have. There will never be another reaping again. If I happen to be wrong and all of those things happen one day, then we’ll deal with it together. Don’t shut me out because you’re more afraid of what could happen rather than what will happen... Please, Katniss, don't shut me out.” She was sobbing now and I held her against my chest, still bare as I had no time to button up my shirt. She clung to me tightly and I held her close as she cried, running my fingers through her hair and whispering to her that everything would be okay.

“I’m s-sorry...” she stuttered.

“Shh, honey, it’s okay. We’ve got a lot of work to do but we’ll get through this together, okay?” She nodded. “We’ll get through this... we always do.”

“Why is it... s-so hard... to be in l-love...”

“No one ever said love was easy. But we have to take each day and battle it together. That’s what love is about. We’ll manage. You’re so strong, Katniss. Stronger than me. I need you, baby... Don't shut down on me.”

“I won’t. I promise I won’t.” We held each other on the beach until the sun came up and we watched the sunrise together. As the sun came up, Katniss pushed me back against the sand and pressed her lips to mine, straddling me and kissing me with more passion than she’d been able to muster before. There were a lot of emotions behind that kiss. Stress, worry, fear, uncertainty... but also love, trust, confidence and security. As we kissed, her hands wandered and they found their way to the bulge that was forming beneath her pelvis and she reached next for my zipper, but I put my hands over hers to stop her.

“Katniss, we’re in public,” I told her, looking around - I didn’t see anyone.

“No one’s here, and we can be quick,” she told me. “I need you, Peeta. Badly.” One look into her eyes told me of how deep this need was and I gave in. I let her free me from my pants and take me into her hands as she pleasured me. I tried not to get too distracted as I tried to pull down her underwear, but she simply moved it aside and guided me to her entrance, slipping herself over me until I was sheathed inside of her. We moved together, but this time, it was her doing most of the work. I fondled her breasts through her clothes as she rode me, moving her hips alone with mine in a motion of unity. Her hand snaked its way between us as she sought out her little bean to push her into her climax, but I pulled her hand away - I was going to be the one to push her to climax. As we moved together, my fingers started rubbing circular motions on her little bean and she could no longer control the moaning and groaning that emanated from her, and before I knew it, we were riding out the wave of our unified climaxes together. Once it had passed, she collapsed on top of me, pressing her lips to my collarbone as I gently stroked her hair.

“That was perfect,” I whispered. “You’re perfect.”

“All thanks to you,” she told me.

“No,” I said back. “No, honey, this was all you.” She picked up her head to look at me, her grey eyes meeting mine. I loved this woman to pieces. I loved the way her chocolate brown hair curled around my fingers and I loved her thick Hebridean accent that always made her sound angry. I loved the way her nose scrunched up when I teased her or how her eyes lit up when she saw me. I raised my hand to her face and gently brushed a stray tear from her eye. “I love you, Katniss...”

“I love you, too, Peeta,” she told me back.

_ To flirt and fling, a young girl dresses in ribbons _

_ Taking fancies to those like you, _

_ Oh Diana, sweet Diana... _

I wish I could say then that this was the end of our troubles. For about two days, Katniss and I were inseparable, kissing as often as we could and always touching, making love until we fell asleep from exhaustion... but then on the third day, she started closing off again. She flinched when I touched her while she ran a brush through her hair and I pretended not to notice. “Can I brush your hair?” I asked her, my hands on either of her shoulders as I lowered my head to kiss her temple.

“I’m almost done... and I don’t really like it when others brush my hair. It’s too thick, you won’t know how to fight it,” she told me, avoiding what she really wanted to say. I was disappointed, but nodded anyway. “Sorry...”

“That’s okay,” I replied, kissing her cheek. “I’m gonna jump in the shower. Wanna join me?”

“And fight this tangled mess again? No thank you,” she replied, attempting to be lighthearted. I took her hair in my hands and ran my fingers through it, and she shifted uncomfortably.

“Suit yourself,” I told her. “One day, I want you to show me how to braid your hair.”

“I’m very particular about it,” she told me.

“And if you show me how you like it done, I shouldn’t screw up too bad,” I replied. I let her hair cascade down her back and I pressed my lips to her temple once more. “I love you. I’ll be out soon.” She didn’t answer me, but she watched my reflection in the mirror as I made my way to the bathroom. I gave her a gentle smile, letting her know that I knew something was up, before I closed myself into the bathroom. I wanted to tell her not to shut me out again, but I also wanted to give her a chance to recognise on her own that I was not okay with her shutting me out again.

It was raining the day that Katniss expressed interest in becoming a district midwife again. Annie had come to visit with Killick and Ariel, and she honestly looked worse for wear, but being around a baby again seemed to spark Katniss’s interest in becoming a midwife again. “It’ll be good for you,” I told her that evening as we laid down to go to sleep. I opened my arms to invite her into them, but she simply laid on her back and stared at the ceiling.

“I haven’t delivered a baby in so long...” she said.

“You delivered Ariel in June,” I reminded her.

“Under normal circumstances,” she replied. “I’ve not donned a midwifery uniform in years now.”

“Hey,” I said to her, scooting closer to her and scooping her into my arms; she stiffened in my arms. “You’re going to be an amazing midwife. You already were in Twelve. You were everybody’s favourite. You remember how some merchants used to be bothered by a seam midwife tending to them? They didn’t care when it was you. They  _ wanted _ you to be their midwife. They knew that you knew what you were doing, and you still do. You can do this, Katniss. I know you can.”

“But what if I make a mistake?” she asked me, stiffer than a board of wood.

“You won’t,” I whispered into her ear, and I kissed her gently in the spot behind her ear that I know drives her crazy. I then let go of her, rolling over to turn out the light on the bedside table behind me. “Goodnight, Katniss.” She didn’t say a word.

The next day, she had a uniform and patient to tend to, and I sat on the bed and watched as she adjusted the cap on her head around her hair that had been put up in a neat chignon style. The uniform of a District Four midwife was identical to the uniform of a District Twelve midwife except for the colour - District Twelve’s was a bit more of a dandelion yellow colour, while District Four’s was a blue-grey. It was a blue-grey dress, the colour of the sky during a midsummer storm, and a grey wool cap and cloak. She had yet to put the cloak on. Her eyes briefly met mine in the mirror and I smiled at her. “You look beautiful,” I told her. “You always have in uniform.”

“I prefer this colour over the yellow of Twelve’s,” she replied, a little bit of a nervous shake detectable in her tone.

“Anything you wear looks beautiful on you,” I told her, and I stood and picked up the cloak from the bed, crossing the room to her and wrapping it around her shoulders. I stood behind her with my hands on her shoulders as she admired her reflection. “I’m proud of you,” I whispered into her ear. “This is going to be good for you.” She gave me a subtle smile and she crossed her arms uncomfortably around her midsection. “C’mon, you’ve got a patient to tend to.” I led her out of our room and into the hall, where Cailean, Carolina, Annie and Haymitch were all waiting for us.

“You look great, kiddo. Good to see ya back on your feet,” Haymitch told her with mock pride. He wasn’t pretending to be proud of her - I just don’t think he really knew how to show pride. Carolina smiled warmly at Katniss and she took both of Katniss’s hands in hers.

“You’re going to do amazing. Don’t be afraid to show them that you know what you’re doing,” Carolina told her. Katniss gave her a gentle smile and then turned her attention to Annie, who pulled Katniss into a hug.

“ _ Bidh mi ag earbsa gun dèan thu gu math,” _ Annie told her in Gàidhlig, a language that both Katniss and Annie shared. Annie, evidently, had been a Hebridean refugee, too, but unlike Katniss, had grown up in Panem. She wasn’t born in Hebridia, she was born in the middle of her parents’ passage from Hebridia to Panem. Her parents spoke to her in Hebridean because it was the only language they knew and the three of them learned English together.

“ _ Tha fios agam gun dèan thu gu math _ ,” Cailean told his sister when Katniss and Annie broke their embrace. I don’t know what either of them said to her, but I was sure it was just more well wishes.

“ _ Tapadh leibh, an dithis agaibh _ ,” Katniss told them, thanking the both of them. I waited for Katniss by the door and when she headed my way, I opened it to reveal a brand new bicycle to get her to her patient. They used bicycles in District Twelve, the midwives, and I assumed they would use them here, too, but District Four was so much bigger than Twelve. She smiled warmly at me. “Thank you,” she told me, and she moved past me to head out the door, but I stopped her.

“Kiss for good luck?” I asked her, and her eyes widened slightly and her cheeks flushed. We both were well aware of the fact that we had not kissed in a couple of days - she didn’t seem interested, and I tried not to let it bother me, but part of me just could not pass up on the opportunity knowing that she wouldn’t deny me in front of everyone. “Kiss me goodbye,” I whispered to her quietly, so that no one could hear me but her. She nodded gently, then stepped towards me once again and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek, but that wasn’t acceptable for me. I stopped her before she pulled away and pressed my lips to hers, and she made sure to break it when an appropriate amount of time passed by. “I’ll see you when you get back.”

“See you,” Katniss told me uncomfortably. I made it a point, then, to make her kiss me every time she left to tend to a patient, but I could tell that I wasn’t getting anywhere with this tactic pretty quickly. She was starting to find ways to avoid kissing me before she left and she also started finding ways to avoid being around me. A couple of times, I woke up to find Katniss fast asleep on the bench by the bay window, far away from me, and it hurt me to think that I was being pushed away yet again. And yet, I continued to allow it to happen because I didn’t want to push her any further than I already had, until I just couldn’t take it anymore.

The final straw was on yet another rainy day when Katniss got a call about a young woman about our age in labour and she rushed to quickly tame her hair and get dressed in her uniform. She was adjusting her cap in the mirror in the living room while speaking to Cailean in Gàidhlig - Carolina and Haymitch were playing a game of chess and I was seated in an armchair opposite of the door to the hallway with a book in my hands. “ _ A bheil thu a’ smaoineachadh gun urrainn dhomh dòigh a leasachadh airson casan cùil fhàs _ ?” Cailean had asked his sister, who scoffed.

“ _ Cùm a’ bruadar, tha sin gu math mì-ghoireasach _ ,” Katniss replied.

“ _ Bha càraichean uaireigin mì-ghoireasach cuideachd, _ ” said Cailean in response. It was evident that they were having a rather lighthearted conversation.

“Lemon sausage,” said Carolina somewhat randomly, and we all turned to look at her with confusion. “What? That’s what it sounds like they’re saying.”

“Lemon sausage,” I repeated. “I wonder what that would taste like?”

“Very, very strange,” Katniss replied as she clipped the cap to her hair. “I suppose you could peel it, wrap it in sausage, bread it and fry it and then you’ve got yourself a Scotch egg, but it wouldn’t be nearly as good.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of ‘sausage with a lemon sauce’ but sure, Katniss, we’ll go with that,” I said, teasing her, and she smiled to her reflection in the mirror. She checked the small watch that was pinned to her uniform and let out a gasp.

“ _ Galla! _ I’m late! I spent too much time on my damn stubborn hair!” she cried as she saw the time, and she quickly grabbed her cloak, which was draped over a nearby chair, threw it over her shoulders, and grabbed her bag, which was by her feet on the floor. “I don’t know how long I’ll be but I should be back in time for dinner!” I knew what she was doing immediately. I quickly got up and crossed the room just as she bolted out into the hallway and out the front door.

“Katniss!” I called, but she’d beaten me out the door and was already on her bicycle cycling off to her patient. I let out a sigh, and Cailean raises his eyebrow suspiciously. “She’s not late,” I told him. “She just didn’t want to kiss me goodbye.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Cailean told me, and I scoffed.

“She’s been avoiding me all week. She only kisses me when I demand it and only in front of other people. She doesn’t want me to touch her in any way and she’s even started sleeping on the bench in our room in an effort to get away from me,” I said irritably, and I sat on the couch and let out a sigh, noticing that all eyes were now on me. “I don’t know what to do. I thought we were okay. When she asked me to meet her on the rocks, she said she wanted me to find someone else and I told her I wouldn’t, then she told me she loved me and we... you know... but then that same night, she tried to run away from me again and I stopped her and we talked and again, she told me she loved me and we... same thing, and I thought we were okay, but now we’re not and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong!” I buried my face in my hands in order to hide the fact that I felt the urge to cry, but I knew my voice gave me away anyway.

“I’m sorry, I had no idea this was happening,” Cailean told me, sitting down beside me on the couch. “Do you want me to talk to her?”

“What good will that do?” I asked him. I felt another weight on the couch beside me and felt a pair of hands rest themselves on my upper back and arm.

“Peeta, it’ll be okay,” came Carolina’s voice. “She’s... she’s not well, but we all knew this. I don’t know what exactly happened that resulted in this, but we just have to work through it.”

“How can I work through it when she won’t even have me near her?” I asked her, pulling my face from my hands and wiping my eyes on my sleeve. Carolina produced a handkerchief and handed it to me.

“You’ve been so loving and supportive... I don’t think there’s anything you really can do. I think she needs to come to you,” she told me.

“She ain’t gonna do that,” Haymitch said with a scoff. “That girl’s selfish, she don’t think of anyone but herself.”

“That’s not true,” I spat back at him, refusing to allow him to speak about my Katniss that way.

“When it comes to her emotions, it’s true and you know it. That girl’s always loved you and it scares the shit out of her. You make her feel things and no one else does, that’s why she’s afraid of you.”

“What do I do for that?” I asked my former mentor - or I suppose mentor for life, at this rate.

“Tell her. Tell her she’s afraid of you, don’t let her tell you she ain’t. Threaten her, too. You gotta be firm. I’m sure you went all lovey dovey on her and told her you’d never leave her-”

“I’m  _ not _ telling her otherwise!”

“You have to, boy. Scarin’ her shitless even more is the only way to get that girl to make an effort,” Haymitch told me.

“What my oh-so-romantic father is  _ trying _ to say,” Carolina began, “is that you need to tell her to meet you halfway, and if she’s unwilling to do that, then tell her that you’re not going to stick around and watch her tear herself apart. Which you shouldn’t have to do anyway. If she really loves you, Peeta, it will never come to that point. Watching someone destroy themselves is... difficult...” She glances in the direction of her father. “And sometimes, the best way to help them break that cycle is to step away and let them do it themselves.”

“I’m not going to leave her. I can’t do that. I can’t be without her,” I pleaded.

“We don’t think you’re going to have to, Peet,” said my brother-in-law with a firm supportive grip on my shoulder. “I know I didn’t know my sister between the ages of eight and seventeen and I know that a lot happened to her that changed who she is during those years, but she’s still my sister and she’s still a Fòlais. Fòlaises are stubborn. Sometimes, we need to be shown what’s really happening and we need to be shown what’s going to happen if we allow ourselves to continue down the path we’re on. Trust me, this will work. Talk to her.” I nodded gently, then wiped my eyes on the handkerchief one final time.

“Thanks,” I said. “All of you. I’ve got to think about what I’ll say to her.”

_ Yet you wait with morning in your hair _

_ And now I need good reason, _

_ But I’ve none to spare... _

_ You are just a leaf that I have turned, _

_ And I am like a match that slowly burns... _

It was nighttime when Katniss returned. The rain had stopped, and I sat in a rocking chair that was outside the side of the house that faced the boardwalk. While I had been waiting for Katniss under the light of the moon, I contemplated the moon and everything Finnick had once told me about it. He’d said the moon was called Diana and that she used to be a powerful warrior whose lover was the sun, Apollo, but when war between day and night was waged, they could no longer be together. They became enemies, but their hearts still belonged to one another, but they could never admit that their love still existed. They were true star-crossed lovers, never to be reunited - Diana departs as Apollo rises, and as Apollo lays down to sleep at night, Diana regains control of the skies.

I watched as Katniss walked her bicycle along the boardwalk and when she caught sight of me, she let out a sigh. “I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you goodbye, I was running behind and-”

“Bullshit.” She paused, her mouth slightly agape with surprise at the word that came out of my mouth, along with the attitude behind it. I stood and took a couple of steps closer to her, shrouded in moonlight from above.

“Peeta,” Katniss whispered quietly, nervously taking a step back.

“Don’t run away again. I’m tired of you running away from me,” I warned her. “If you run away, I swear, Katniss, I will get one the next train back to Twelve and I will not come back.”

“But... you said you’d never leave me...” she said quietly.

“I don’t want to, but it would hurt less to be away from you and not see you every day than it does now to see you all the time and never be able to touch you, hold you, kiss you or want you without you being repulsed by me.”

“I’m not repulsed by you.”

“Then what is it? Why don’t you love me anymore?”

“Peeta, I do love you!”

“I don’t feel like you love me. That’s the first time you’ve told me that since we were on the beach. Two days after that was the last time you kissed me without me demanding it from you, as well as the last time you kissed me when it was just us. I feel like we’re in front of the fucking Capitol again, during the Games pretending we were in love so our families wouldn’t be killed.” She was silent and she contemplated my words, and she looked down at the ground.

“I... I have no explanation...”

“Why are you afraid to love me?”

“...I don’t know...”

“Are you afraid I’ll leave you?”

“You just said you would.”

“No, I said I will if I  _ have _ to, if that’s what it’ll take to get you to meet me halfway. I know you’re depressed, Katniss. You’re twenty years old and you’ve lost your brother, your sister, so many friends, your child, you lost your home and who you are... but you didn’t lose me. Instead, you’re convincing yourself that you already have and you’re pushing me away.” My anger finally calmed and so did my tone. “Katniss... I’m right here. I’m not all in one piece anymore, but I’m here. And I lost everyone I love, too. I lost my parents, both of my brothers now, my sister-in-law, my child, my friends, my home... and now I’m losing you.” She met my eyes upon my last words and raised a hand to wipe a tear from her eye.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Let me in. Don’t push me away. I don’t want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with but I can’t sit here and watch you fall apart and not be allowed to catch the pieces and put you back together again.”

“I never asked you to do that.”

“You didn’t have to. I do it because I love you.” She was silent again and she looked down, trying so hard to fight off tears. I wanted so badly to run to her and take her into my arms, but she had to be the one to do it this time.

“I’m so sorry... You should-”

“Don’t tell me I should find someone else. I’ve already told you I don’t  _ want _ someone else.” She sniffed, standing there in silence holding her bicycle up and trying to ignore the tears that I could see glistening against her cheeks in the moonlight.

“After all this... why do you still want me?”

“Because you’re the girl I fell in love with. I don’t care that you’re broken - I’m broken, too. No one else knows you like I do, and no one else knows me like you do. I think - no, I  _ know _ \- that you are the most beautiful girl in the world and I would give up anything to have you in my arms.”

“You already have... You gave up so much for me and I’ve... I've been so ungrateful for it.”

“Maybe a little... but you know now, and that’s okay. It’s okay to grow a little. We’re both still kids, Katniss.” She met my eyes then, her eyes shining with the tears that she was now freely letting fall. She then surprised me by dropping her bicycle and running to me, leaping into my arms, throwing her arms around my neck and wrapping her legs around my waist and held me so tightly, sobbing into my shoulder.

“I’m so, so, so sorry, Peeta. I love you so much!” she told me through her tears, and I held her equally as tight and pressed kisses to the side of her head.

“Shhh, shhh.... I love you, too. It’s gonna be okay now, okay?” I said to her, and she nodded.

“I promise I’ll do better, Peeta... Just please, promise me you’ll never leave me.”

“I promise, Katniss,” I told her. I held her like that for quite some time before I let her back down, and then I took her tear-stained face in my hands, wiping some of the tears away with my thumb. “You are so beautiful...”

“Have you looked in a mirror? You’re the beautiful one between us.” She smiled and let out a gentle chuckle, still sniffling from her sobs, and I leaned in to press my lips against hers. She welcomed my kiss by opening her lips and drawing my tongue in with hers. “Take me to the stars tonight,” she whispered to me when she broke our kiss for a moment.

“I’ll see what I can do,” I told her. After that discussion, she finally stopped pulling away from me. There were times when she flinched a little still when I touched her, but then she would snuggle up to me in apology and hold me against her. She did teach me to braid her hair, and she let me brush it, too, although she was right when she said I wouldn’t know how to tame it. Whenever she left the house without me, she would always kiss me in a way that always resulted in me wanting to rip all of her clothes off and have her where we stood, but nine times out of ten, that would have been her uniform. Whenever we made love, it was passionate and endearing. If she didn’t want to, she would snuggle up to me and run her fingers through my hair, quietly singing a Gàidhlig lullaby to me.

_ “Rachaibh gu cadal, fear milis _

_ Dùin do shùilean, fear milis _

_ Agus bruadar air àiteachan fada air falbh. _

_ Bruadar orm, agus mo gaol dhut _

_ Agus cadal gu sunndach, mo gaol binne...” _

“What’s all that mean?” I asked her as she held me against her chest, my left ear resting over her heart and listening to her heartbeat. We were nude, not to make love but simply to be together. For us, at least, nudity hadn’t always been about sex, but about intimacy - sometimes, it was more comforting for us to hold each other in the nude, with my scarred skin pressed up against hers.

“It means, ‘Go to sleep, sweet one. Close your eyes, sweet one, and dream of places far away. Dream of me and my love for you, and sleep soundly, my sweetest love’,” she told me and she wrapped her left arm around my shoulders and buried her right hand in my hair. “It doesn’t translate as well in song, I’m afraid...”

“Did your mother sing that to you?” I asked her, closing my eyes as she gently brushed my hair with her fingers.

“She did, and my uncle did, too,” she replied quietly.

“Will you sing it to our children?”

“I’d like to, someday,” she replied. “For now, you’ll have to do for practice.” I smiled against her chest and turned my head just a little to press a kiss over her heart. She chuckled and squeezed me to her tightly, burying her lips in my hair. Our PTSD from the Games and the war would never go away, but things would get better in time. Our nightmares would become less frequent and we would always have each other for comfort. Our relationship would improve and blossom and our love for each other would increase more and more with each passing day. I couldn’t wait to get started on the rest of our lives together.

* * *

**HAYMITCH POV**

* * *

Solitude was my only friend, or at least, the only friend I would allow myself to care for. I knew I was a hypocrite. I called out the girl on bein’ afraid of losin’ love but no one was more afraid than I was, which is why I constantly got myself drunk. It was easier to deal with loneliness when my companion was a drink, and it was easier to be repulsive to people when I was almost constantly drunk. I loved my girl. Carolina was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I loved that kid more than anything in the whole damn world, but I was so scared of losing her. I didn’t want to let myself get too attached to her, and I told myself I wasn’t, but I knew I was besotted with that kid. But she was an adult, and she didn’t need me and she didn’t need to rely on me, so as much as I loved that kid, I was still alone.

The night became another companion of mine, or rather, the moon. The moon was always keeping a watchful eye over me, for what reason, I don’t know. But whenever I looked up, she was always there starin’ me down, and whenever I caught her gaze, I took another drink. But this particular night was cloudy, and the moon wasn’t there, and I couldn’t will myself to take a sip of my drink. I was stone cold sober and unable to change that. Suddenly, I heard a door open, and when I looked up, I saw Katniss leaving the bedroom she shared with the boy dressed in nothing but an oversized shirt - probably the boy’s. “Evening,” she said to me.

“Shouldn’t that boy be six inches deep in you?” I said to her harshly, as if I were drunk, and she chuckled as she sat down across from me.

“Nine inches, but who’s counting?” she replied with a playful glint in her eye.

“ _ Nine _ inches? The fuck is he, some kind of animal? Where do you put it all?” I asked her with surprise, and she let out a laugh.

“A secret pocket,” she replied. “Actually, he’s sleeping right now and I couldn’t sleep, saw the light on under the door and thought I’d come out and see what’s keeping you up.”

“You two fuckin’ rabbits,” I told her, and she smiled and shook her head. “How’s the marriage?”

“Doing better, thanks to your advice. Peeta told me what you told him... and I wanted to thank you. Peeta knows me but he doesn’t  _ understand _ how my mind works, and you do. He needs you to even begin trying to understand me.”

“I see myself in you, kid. That ain’t exactly a good thing.”

“You’re not so bad, once we get to know you.” She paused for a moment. “How’s Effie?”

“The fuck should I know? She’s off in the Capitol doin’ whatever the fuck Effies do.”

“What, you don’t speak to her?”

“Why the hell would I?” She chuckled again and shook her head.

“Haymitch, you know how to open the door to access my mind, but you forget that a door can be entered from both sides. I know you, same as you know me.” She glanced at the full, unopened bottle in my lap; the ruse was up.

“Kid, I ain’t talkin’,” I told her, looking away. “Get back to lover boy and fuck his brains out some more.”

“I don’t think you can do that when the other person is asleep,” she told me. “Haymitch, you’re like me in the sense that you’re afraid to fall in love, too. I know you are. Why wouldn’t you be? You lost two loves, as well as your family. Why wouldn’t you be afraid to love, same as me? But you can see from me that it’s still possible.”

“You’re twenty years old, I ain’t been twenty in a long ass time. It’s too late for me.”

“It’s never too late to fall in love.”

“It is for me.” She only shook her head.

“Don’t be afraid to love, Haymitch. It’s a wonderful thing when you have it.” As if on cue, the bedroom door opened and the boy’s head popped out, scanning the hallway.

“Katniss?” he called, and his eyes landed on her in the living room.

“Go back to sleep, Peeta. I’ll be there in a minute,” she told him, but he shook his head and came out into the hallway, fully nude and not wearing a goddamn thing.

“Boy!” I snapped at him when he came into view, and the girl blushed a furious shade of red.

“Shut up, you don’t have anything I don’t have,” said the boy as Katniss grabbed a pillow and covered his crotch with it. She certainly wasn’t exaggerating about those nine inches - at least, it easily must have been when fully erect. The boy wrapped an arm around his girl and held the pillow against himself, but she never dropped her hand from it. “What’s going on out here?”

“Nothing to worry about, just having a little talk with Haymitch and thanking him for his advice to you,” said the girl, and she kissed him on his cheek. “Can we just have another minute, please? I promise I’ll be only a minute.”

“Just a minute,” repeated the boy, and he gave her a kiss, then looked at me. “Night, Haymitch. Sorry for the scare, I didn’t know you were in here.”

“Yeah, yeah, go get ready to get your brains fucked out,” I told him, waving him off. He kissed the girl one more time and leaned down to whisper something into her ear, and she blushed and shooed him away. When we were alone again, Katniss approached me and knelt down beside me, kissing my forehead.

“Call her,” she said, “or I will.” She gave me a wink, then she stood and started back towards her room where the boy was waiting for her. “Goodnight, Haymitch,” she said as she entered her room, and then she closed the door behind her, leaving me alone once again.

I then let out a sigh and glanced at the bottle in my lap, still unable to open it and take a swig. I didn’t want to call that crazy Capitol nut, but god, could I not stop thinkin’ about her. Effie Trinket first caught my eye when she first became an escort for District Twelve and I didn’t want to admit that I thought she could look very pretty without all that makeup, but deep down, I knew I wanted to fuck her brains out same as Katniss did to Peeta every night. I looked out the window to find the night sky dark, but cloudless - a new moon. “Fuck that crazy bitch,” I said of the moon to myself. Fuck it - tomorrow, I’d call Effie and tell her to get her crazy ass to District Four.

_ A beggarly account of empty boxes, _

_ That is all I own in this world, _

_ Oh Diana, sweet Diana... _


End file.
